halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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