I think my fart just growled at me.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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