I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Randomize
