i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
