paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
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