Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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