This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
a search helicopter?!
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
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