I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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