I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
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