I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
people are starting to question the shark bite story
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
