The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
