I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
you have to choose: penises or morals?
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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