Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Randomize
