I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
