But, the reference to being horny and then blending a banana is troubling
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
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