the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
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