quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
