John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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