I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Just invented taco cereal.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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