He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
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