Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
