she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
you have to choose: penises or morals?
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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