oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Randomize
