Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
