You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Randomize
