So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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