Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Randomize
