it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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