Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
There are leaves in my underwear?
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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