I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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