do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
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