a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
