She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
