what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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