But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
