the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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