i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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