i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Your shirt... Was in my pants
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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