Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
