Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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