Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
