I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
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