just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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