im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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