There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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