1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
