Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
