You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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