you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
Life is so much better after having sex.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
