I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
Randomize
