can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
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