i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
