you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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