he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Randomize
