at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
