Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
