I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
