You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Randomize
