you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
