i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
