I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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